I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry S Truman
We love to give advice to other people. It can be so difficult to see them doing something that we know that we would not be able to succeed at if we were doing what we see them doing. We are so sure that we know a better way because it has worked for us. We forget that other people have a whole different set of strengths and weaknesses and experiences, and they need to find out what works for them.
Of all people, we most want to give advice to our children. We love them more than anyone and we so much want them to be successful and happy. We want to teach them how to live well and prosper. And with our children more than anyone else, it is difficult for us to remember that they are not just an extention of ourselves, that they too have a whole different set of strengths and weaknesses. And as they get older, they develop their own set of goals and values which can be quite different from ours.
The best way to give advice to your children, or anyone else for that matter, is to find out what they want, and then advise them to do it. The only way for them to be motivated to do something will be if they can see how it fits into their own goals and values. We need to first of all appreciate that other people, including our children, are supposed to have goals and values and viewpoints different from ours, and then to find out what those are. Then we can encourage and advise our children to do what they need to do to find the path that's right for them. That is the only way we can actually be helpful to others.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Decision
The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision.
Maimonides
It is so easy to be afraid of making the wrong decision. What if other people laugh at my mistake? What if I lose a lot of money over it? We agonize over all the things that could go wrong if we made a bad decision. We try to figure out "What if ... and what is my plan B" but the truth is that we could never know everything that could possibly go wrong, let alone how to deal with it before it's even happened. And what if nothing went wrong? What if our decision was actually the right one? All that time and energy spent worrying would have been wasted going nowhere, instead of going into thinking about how to get started on our journey.
What's the worst that could happen if we made the wrong decision. The worst thing is that we failed to learn valuable lessons from it about what to do next time. But that is always something under our control. And sometimes what was the wrong decision from one point of view turns out to be the right decision from another. For instance, you might go to school for several years and then realize you didn't want to major in this subject after all and wasted all that time and money, but during those years you may have met your soul mate or important work contacts for what you really wanted to do.
The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision. If you never make a clear decision you are always fearful of a future that is out of your control. You never know what is going to happen, because you haven't decided what is going to happen. And you become unclear about who you are and what it is that you really want and need, a wishy-washy person. If you make a lot of clear decisions, you will get better at it, and even if you make the wrong one you can benefit from the lessons it will give you about how to improve for next time.
Practise making clear decisions about even the smallest things and then work up to the more important things. You'll feel a lot better about yourself, and about your future.
Maimonides
It is so easy to be afraid of making the wrong decision. What if other people laugh at my mistake? What if I lose a lot of money over it? We agonize over all the things that could go wrong if we made a bad decision. We try to figure out "What if ... and what is my plan B" but the truth is that we could never know everything that could possibly go wrong, let alone how to deal with it before it's even happened. And what if nothing went wrong? What if our decision was actually the right one? All that time and energy spent worrying would have been wasted going nowhere, instead of going into thinking about how to get started on our journey.
What's the worst that could happen if we made the wrong decision. The worst thing is that we failed to learn valuable lessons from it about what to do next time. But that is always something under our control. And sometimes what was the wrong decision from one point of view turns out to be the right decision from another. For instance, you might go to school for several years and then realize you didn't want to major in this subject after all and wasted all that time and money, but during those years you may have met your soul mate or important work contacts for what you really wanted to do.
The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision. If you never make a clear decision you are always fearful of a future that is out of your control. You never know what is going to happen, because you haven't decided what is going to happen. And you become unclear about who you are and what it is that you really want and need, a wishy-washy person. If you make a lot of clear decisions, you will get better at it, and even if you make the wrong one you can benefit from the lessons it will give you about how to improve for next time.
Practise making clear decisions about even the smallest things and then work up to the more important things. You'll feel a lot better about yourself, and about your future.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Win
I can't lose, it's just too many ways to win.
Brandon Alexander
It is interesting that we are always so much more aware of the negative than the positive in our lives. We know we are unhappy even if we can't identify why because we don't know what it is that we want. And then when we determine what we want we are unhappy because we don't have it and don't see how to get it. We decide that this thing that we think we want is a life and death situation and we will be miserable unless we have it.
The truth is however that we don't really want to have any particular thing. What we really want is the way that we expect that thing to make us feel. What we really want is to feel happy, to feel good about ourselves. We feel frustrated because we are not asking ourselves the right question. We are asking how we can get this thing we want, which we don't have an answer for; instead of asking how we can become happy, which is much easier to answer.
There are many things out there that will make us feel happy and good about ourselves that we don't even see because they aren't the one that we have decided that we want. Life is a process of trial and error. If one thing doesn't work out, we can always try another. There are always plenty of opportunities for our happiness when we look for them, recognizing that happiness is our real goal. We really can't lose when we seek happiness. There are too many places to find happiness. When happiness is what we seek, we will eventually find it all around us.
Brandon Alexander
It is interesting that we are always so much more aware of the negative than the positive in our lives. We know we are unhappy even if we can't identify why because we don't know what it is that we want. And then when we determine what we want we are unhappy because we don't have it and don't see how to get it. We decide that this thing that we think we want is a life and death situation and we will be miserable unless we have it.
The truth is however that we don't really want to have any particular thing. What we really want is the way that we expect that thing to make us feel. What we really want is to feel happy, to feel good about ourselves. We feel frustrated because we are not asking ourselves the right question. We are asking how we can get this thing we want, which we don't have an answer for; instead of asking how we can become happy, which is much easier to answer.
There are many things out there that will make us feel happy and good about ourselves that we don't even see because they aren't the one that we have decided that we want. Life is a process of trial and error. If one thing doesn't work out, we can always try another. There are always plenty of opportunities for our happiness when we look for them, recognizing that happiness is our real goal. We really can't lose when we seek happiness. There are too many places to find happiness. When happiness is what we seek, we will eventually find it all around us.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thinking
The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.
—A. A. Milne
The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. These are the people who find it easy to just go with the flow and agree with whatever most people say is true. They assume that if most people beleive something then it must be true. They never stop to question who came up with the idea in the first place. They want to be part of the crowd and blend in.
The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. These people are not willing to go along with what most people say, not feeling like part of the crowd; yet they need some social support for their beleifs. They need to find some smaller group of people who agree with them. They are thinking enough to question the beleifs of the masses but not enough to have their ideas stand by themselves.
The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. It needs no social support. It values ideas over social approval; knowing that many good ideas will not be approved of by other people. It doesn't want to let other people's agendas, opinions, and beleifs (which will be many and varied) get in the way of the truth. It knows that the truth is often unpopular but must be spoken anyway. It will not live a lie just because someone else doesn't know any better (that it is a lie). Never be afraid to speak your truth just because you think that the people around you will disapprove of it. Your truth is just as valid as anyone else's and must be heard.
—A. A. Milne
The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. These are the people who find it easy to just go with the flow and agree with whatever most people say is true. They assume that if most people beleive something then it must be true. They never stop to question who came up with the idea in the first place. They want to be part of the crowd and blend in.
The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. These people are not willing to go along with what most people say, not feeling like part of the crowd; yet they need some social support for their beleifs. They need to find some smaller group of people who agree with them. They are thinking enough to question the beleifs of the masses but not enough to have their ideas stand by themselves.
The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. It needs no social support. It values ideas over social approval; knowing that many good ideas will not be approved of by other people. It doesn't want to let other people's agendas, opinions, and beleifs (which will be many and varied) get in the way of the truth. It knows that the truth is often unpopular but must be spoken anyway. It will not live a lie just because someone else doesn't know any better (that it is a lie). Never be afraid to speak your truth just because you think that the people around you will disapprove of it. Your truth is just as valid as anyone else's and must be heard.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Understand
The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing
George Bernard
We always think we understand. Of course we know why someone did some action; we would have done it for that reason. "She looked at him with "hungry" eyes because she wants to sleep with him. That is the reason why I would look at an attractive member of the opposite sex like that". We practise a reverse empathy a little too well sometimes. In truth, she is not you and may have quite different reasons to look at him that way. But we tend to forget that and get angry.
It is the meaning that you assign to an event that determines how you feel about it. We really have only one emotion, excitement, and how we name it and deal with it depends on our interpretation of what is going on around us. How many times have you felt afraid of how something would turn out and then it turned out very well. Our emotion is just an interpretation, and is even more so when we are trying to guess how other people are feeling. And especially when we are trying to guess about how we feel about how they feel.
The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing. It is only when we think we understand what is going on that we judge things to be good or bad. We assign a meaning to the situation which brings on the appropriate (negative) emotions. If I see a situation just as something that happened for no particular reason, or for some unknown reason, I can forgive it easily. If I see a situation as something that happened because "the world is out to get me" then it will be difficult to forgive. And I would be setting myself up for more of the same.
George Bernard
We always think we understand. Of course we know why someone did some action; we would have done it for that reason. "She looked at him with "hungry" eyes because she wants to sleep with him. That is the reason why I would look at an attractive member of the opposite sex like that". We practise a reverse empathy a little too well sometimes. In truth, she is not you and may have quite different reasons to look at him that way. But we tend to forget that and get angry.
It is the meaning that you assign to an event that determines how you feel about it. We really have only one emotion, excitement, and how we name it and deal with it depends on our interpretation of what is going on around us. How many times have you felt afraid of how something would turn out and then it turned out very well. Our emotion is just an interpretation, and is even more so when we are trying to guess how other people are feeling. And especially when we are trying to guess about how we feel about how they feel.
The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing. It is only when we think we understand what is going on that we judge things to be good or bad. We assign a meaning to the situation which brings on the appropriate (negative) emotions. If I see a situation just as something that happened for no particular reason, or for some unknown reason, I can forgive it easily. If I see a situation as something that happened because "the world is out to get me" then it will be difficult to forgive. And I would be setting myself up for more of the same.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Hard
It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.
Annie Gottlier
Sometimes we really struggle with what would seem like an easy task. We fight with it and complain; busily thinking about the hundred other things we should be doing right now. It seems to take forever. It is dull and boring and we can't wait to get it over with. But we do it. This is because someone else, or society, has told us that it is necessary, either for our own good or for theirs. But they don't know what is really necessary for our own good because only we can determine that. And what is necessary for their own good they should be doing it, or at least finding someone who enjoys doing it to do it for them.
When I want to do something, it becomes easy. I can see clearly what I want to accomplish at the end of it and how that will benefit me directly. As soon as I become clear on those things, then I am willing to put up with the more unpleasant aspects of what I am doing. When I want to do something I have a purpose. Life becomes meaningful; and all those dirty chores that inevitably come with important goals become worthwhile. When I want to do something, and enjoy it, time falls away too. It seems to go surprisingly quickly.
Why struggle with life? If someone asks you to do something, you need to ask yourself if this is something that will benefit you in the end. If they are a person who is important enough to you then you may well want to do it just because you want to please them. Wanting to please them becomes your goal and purpose. But if they are not that important to you, then you don't have to do what they say. Never do something just because someone told you to. You don't have to (unless it is the police). Just say no. Life is too short to waste your time doing what everyone else wants. There's barely enough time to reach your own goals and dreams.
Annie Gottlier
Sometimes we really struggle with what would seem like an easy task. We fight with it and complain; busily thinking about the hundred other things we should be doing right now. It seems to take forever. It is dull and boring and we can't wait to get it over with. But we do it. This is because someone else, or society, has told us that it is necessary, either for our own good or for theirs. But they don't know what is really necessary for our own good because only we can determine that. And what is necessary for their own good they should be doing it, or at least finding someone who enjoys doing it to do it for them.
When I want to do something, it becomes easy. I can see clearly what I want to accomplish at the end of it and how that will benefit me directly. As soon as I become clear on those things, then I am willing to put up with the more unpleasant aspects of what I am doing. When I want to do something I have a purpose. Life becomes meaningful; and all those dirty chores that inevitably come with important goals become worthwhile. When I want to do something, and enjoy it, time falls away too. It seems to go surprisingly quickly.
Why struggle with life? If someone asks you to do something, you need to ask yourself if this is something that will benefit you in the end. If they are a person who is important enough to you then you may well want to do it just because you want to please them. Wanting to please them becomes your goal and purpose. But if they are not that important to you, then you don't have to do what they say. Never do something just because someone told you to. You don't have to (unless it is the police). Just say no. Life is too short to waste your time doing what everyone else wants. There's barely enough time to reach your own goals and dreams.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Should
Constant reminder: Stop thinking about what life "should be" and appreciate and celebrate what life is.
James Arthur Ray
"Should" should be a dirty word. I always want to say "Why should I?" Who is setting the standards of what my life should be like here? Should implies that whatever my life is like now is not good enough; that it is being compared to some other situation or way of life and found wanting. It often implies that someone else has a better idea of what my life should be like than I do; that their way is better.
Stop thinking about what life "should" be. Yes it is important to have goals but that is a different thing. That is what you want and expect your life to be like in the future. But should is about the present. You can change the future but you can not change the present, and neither do you want to. Whatever is going on in your life right now is there for a reason, to help you learn and grow to reach towards a your potential.
In reality life should be nothing other than what it is. It is, right now, with all its current problems and challenges, an opportunity to improve, to move forward. We must appreciate it for what it is before we can hope to create a better future. We can after all only deal with what is actually happening around us right now. It is a waste of time to wish that things were different. They are not. We must work with what we've got. We must appreciate and celebrate what life is; an opportunity for our continual growth and improvement
James Arthur Ray
"Should" should be a dirty word. I always want to say "Why should I?" Who is setting the standards of what my life should be like here? Should implies that whatever my life is like now is not good enough; that it is being compared to some other situation or way of life and found wanting. It often implies that someone else has a better idea of what my life should be like than I do; that their way is better.
Stop thinking about what life "should" be. Yes it is important to have goals but that is a different thing. That is what you want and expect your life to be like in the future. But should is about the present. You can change the future but you can not change the present, and neither do you want to. Whatever is going on in your life right now is there for a reason, to help you learn and grow to reach towards a your potential.
In reality life should be nothing other than what it is. It is, right now, with all its current problems and challenges, an opportunity to improve, to move forward. We must appreciate it for what it is before we can hope to create a better future. We can after all only deal with what is actually happening around us right now. It is a waste of time to wish that things were different. They are not. We must work with what we've got. We must appreciate and celebrate what life is; an opportunity for our continual growth and improvement
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